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The other day, while doing some work at the local coffee shop down the road from my house, I overheard a conversation between two women in line. It looked as though they had both just gone for a long walk or run together – complete with kids, sippy cups, and strollers.
After complaining a bit to each other about the heat and some reoccurring knee pain, one of the women said:
“I’m so annoyed. …I can’t believe I still looks this way after all this work. Seriously, I just want my body back.”
Frankly, when I heard this, I continued on with what I was doing and tried my best to block out the conversation.
But as I watched them walk outside with their kids and coffee, I couldn’t get the comment out of my head. Not because it was unique or new – but because it was something I had heard multiple times in the last month from other women.
The concept that our body must retrograde back to what it once was prior to exposure to change is something more and more women are buying into. Thinking back to the body that existed in high school, prior to pregnancy, or before a major life event, injury, or stressor, many women perceive that the body they once had is gone, and the body they have now is no longer worthy or acceptable.
But, I have exciting news for you.
Your body never left.
It’s always been with you – on your team, working to keep you moving, functioning, and breathing. It was there for you before, during, and after the change you experienced, and will continue to do everything it can to keep you alive and well in the future.
Your body is on your side.
Being in the mindset that you need to “get your body back” puts you in a position to fight your current body to make it what it once “was.” But, the body you once had and the body you have now are the same – the only thing that sets the two apart is experience.
This experience has most likely made you more capable right now than ever before. And perhaps one of the most beautiful things about your body is that it is capable, and allows you to do all the things you want to do in life.
The belief that your current body is no longer worthy, acceptable, or attractive as the one you used to have is a lie. It’s a lie perpetuated by diet culture, the media, and a whole host of companies that want you to think you have a problem so they can sell you a product to fix it.
In fact, a simple Google search will show there are numerous programs, DVDs, books, health articles, Pinterest boards, and incredibly sketchy diet and fitness products that use marketing to make you feel ashamed for having the body you do now, so you will buy whatever it is they are selling to help you “get your body back.”
There is no “wrong” way to have a body.
Understanding these truths will allow you to pursue improvements to health and fitness from a place of self-love, empowerment, and personal revelation. You will be able to make decisions about the food you consume and the fitness you perform based on the feedback your body is giving you, and what is going to nourish your body and make you feel energized, strong, and fulfilled.
Having the mindset that you need to “get your body back” often means changes are pursued from a place of self-hate or shame. Feeling shame or guilt for the way you look, what you ate, or the workouts you didn’t do typically results in trying to make your “wrongs” right with punishing actions, like food restriction, overexercising, or mental chastising. Often times, these behaviors are damaging to both physical and mental health, and come with incredibly ugly consequences.
Happiness is not a weight or shape, and the body you “had” is not superior to the body you have now.
Knowing that you are worthy, right now – in this moment, gives you the freedom to work with your body when pursuing health. It means giving yourself the flexibility to eat more or rest when needed, and doing workouts that you actually enjoy – not just doing the ones you think you “should” do.
An Open Letter to Women Who Say 'I Just Want My Body Back'So, from here on out, pursue the things that make your body more capable of doing the things you want to do in life, and ditch the things that claim you must “go back” in order to be worthy.
Because let’s be honest—time has made you a total rockstar.
What things do you love that your body allows you to do? Interested in writing a letter back? Please do so in the comments below!
Your fan,
Michelle says
Love when you read something just at the right moment! Working on this some days are better than others. Love your honesty and authenticity. Funny I would not want to be who I was in college or high school but the body I had then I keep longing for. I am stronger, more caring, and a lot wiser now. My body is no longer a size 2 but why can I not appreciate what it has given me. A beautiful son, 2 half marathons. The ability to travel the world. Focus on what it can do, what it will do for me.
Thanks Noell
Noelle says
You are so welcome! And I could not agree more! 🙂
Lisa says
Thank you for this open letter as I have found myself making this statement and many times in tears. For the last 5 years I have dealt with health issues including mismanaged crohn’s disease and chronic headaches. The crohn’s is in remission and the headaches are mostly under control and I’m ready to start exercising again. What I didn’t expect to deal with now was 5 years of being in the habit of putting living on hold – not just being inactive, eating poorly, etc. So many times in the last few weeks I’ve said “If I could just have my old body back” – before the pain, the feeling of being totally let down by my body after one health issue after another, and total body-self-hate, before avoiding commitments, and always saying no.
There is good news though – I’m determined to accept my body and work with what I have. I may not be running a marathon but I have the foundation for killer legs and some serious squats are in my future. I start with a personal trainer on Saturday to take it slow. One step at a time… pace myself, not rush, listen to my body. live_love_laugh_louder
Noelle says
So beautiful, Lisa! Love that you’re staring a new journey with your body. Thank you for sharing.
Kara Hicks says
GIRL – I CAN’T EVEN!!!! Is is SO speaking to my heart and place in life right now. Shouting an “AMEN” to this!
About 4 years ago I started down a path towards ditching all the artificial, so called “healthy” junk in my diet (hello low fat, low carb, non fat, sugar free & artificial EVERYTHING) and started researching how to live and eat a more natural way. I was newly pregnant with babe #2 and started thinking about all the things in my diet that were not considered healthy to consume while pregnant and started to question why I should be consuming it while I wasn’t.
I had worked with a personal trainer for about 1 year right after I had my first baby. I thought I was killing it. I was eating the same thing everyday. Probably around 1200-1400 calories (I know, yikes) WHILE still breastfeeding. I was working out like a maniac. The result was looking the best I’d looked since, well, possibly EVER, but I was not satisfied. I didn’t feel great, I got sick a LOT, my relationships with friends suffered because my “nutrition” and workouts were KING in my life and although I looked amazing and loved the “wow, you JUST had a baby and look AMAZING!” comments I only wanted MORE and was NOT satisfied at ALL.
Fast forward 5 years to now. I started eating whole, real foods. I started reading and researching and educating myself. I did a few whole 30’s that changed my LIFE and how I looked at food and my relationship with it. I feel the best I’ve ever felt and I have the most energy I’ve ever had. I have 3 young kiddos, ages 5, 2 & 1. My body looks NOTHING like it use to. But I would not trade this feeling, this health, this contentment with my life and my beautiful family for that “hot bod” ANYDAY! I now own the fact that my husband thinks I’m the sexiest thing alive, and that is the only persons opinion that matters to me. While I do value physical fitness and health and know that I need to steward my physical being in a way that glorifies God, I no longer allow that pursuit to come in-between my happiness, contentment, family, friends or relationships AND most importantly, my relationship with my Creator and my view of the person He created me to be today.
I’m on a new, frightening journey to starting my own blog and I can’t tell you how thankful I am to have “met” you on Periscope a few weeks ago. God put it on my heart years ago that He wanted me to be an encouragement to moms and women in some way…and as “just” as SAHM, I didn’t know what that would look like till just a few short months ago when He was clearly opening doors and opportunities for me to take my little whole food instagram account that I had started “for fun” and turn it into a way to encourage others on their journeys. YOU, my dear have been SUCH a light and source of encouragement and inspiration to ME. I see your heart. I see your passion. And I’m all in a HUGE fan of you and what you do.
Oops…sorry for the novel. I pretty much feel like I could chat with you over coffee for HOURS…lol.
Your newest groupie,
Kara 😉
aka, @kara_thewholemomma
Noelle says
Kara! This is amazing, and you are an amazing person. So glad it all resonated with you… and so glad God brought us together! You are such a valuable person in this community! 🙂
Kara Hicks says
Thanks, love!!! It’s funny…as I travel this journey God has me on it’s so cool to see the people that “rise to the top” for me…like on Periscope…I like to follow all things Paleo and Business Coaching, but those that are clearly doing whatever it is that they do with integrity and with a good heart and with God as their compass tend to be those “at the top”. You are TOTALLY “at the top” for me…I hope our paths cross someday (Um, HELLO retreat with you and Steph!?!?! *crosses fingers*) but till then I’ll be here on all your social medias cheering you on! 😉
Laurey Nelson says
Kara, did you ever start a blog?
This comment is hitting me head on right now.
Abby says
I’m typically a big fan of things like this but I think you may have missed the point on this one. As a mother I can tell you that when you are pregnant and or nursing your body is not yours.Your bodily autonomy disappears, you literally have no control over what your body is doing and for a woman to say she just wants her body back after having children, especially if she still has young children, is much less a statement of wanting to have a hot bod again and much more a cry for just a tiny bit of the independence she had before giving birth. Just a little insight from a woman who has said numerous times (as I had to pee for the millionth time during pregnancy, had to be on bed rest after a miscarriage, and as my breast milk leaked through my shirt for the 10th time at work) I JUST WANT MY BODY BACK. Meaning I just want it to be my own again. Mine. Not for use by anybody else.
Noelle says
Hmm. Appreciate your perspective, Abby! But, from experience – both with myself in many different ways, and with my experience with working with so many other women, typically – when women make the statement about wanting their body back, it is because there is some sort of perceived unworthiness about their current body shape, size, or weight. Your interpretation is absolutely valid, however. I have found that through changes, always understanding that my body is mine, is on my side, and is doing it’s best to keep me healthy, alive and functioning (even when serving other human lives!) is crucial for cultivating a healthy relationship with the pursuit of health.
Bree says
Dear Abby. It’s been about 7 years since I’ve had to share my body with my babies and I look back on that time with such love now. How special that get such an amazing experience with our babies. I feel so blessed to have had that time of closeness and connection. Now they are older they are their own people, and I am back to having my body to myself, but I miss that time we shared me 🙂 It’s such a short season. I guess that comes with time and hindsight. Hugs to you xx
Rachelle says
I am a mother of two beautiful girls, a 3-yr-old and nine month old and I will say I have definitely had many moments where I have the thought “oh if it was just easier to get my body back…” I will say that listening to you and Stefani’s podcasts and reading your blogs has been a tremendous encouragement to me to love myself as I am and not be hard on myself and “vein” for those last five pounds! What I do love that my body can do is first off, birth two babies naturally-what an incredibly, empowering experience and now nourish them by being able to breastfeed. And I am so grateful to my body for “being on my side” as you say! Thank you!
jade says
This made me cry in a good way. I’m one year post partim from my second and I’m so not close to how I was even after the first and I do look down at myself so much for it. It’s true, like the above commenter part of it yes I’d love to stop nursing to be just me but really it’s the flab that gets to me mentally. I’m working on it, I am, to appreciate the two beings I created and gave nutrition for, that and listening to your awesome podcast (that self love one is on repeat when I have nothing new to listen too!!!)
I appreciate this post more than you know.
Noelle says
Jade – so happy it served you. Thank you for sharing your experience, and for your support.
Cathy says
Thank you for this post. I’ve been thinking a lot about this very topic lately but you put it all together perfectly. I’ve had rheumatoid arthritis for 11 years. Some of those years have been easy and many have been physically and emotionally draining. About five years ago I started gaining weight and it just isn’t budging. Two days ago I had cortisone shots in both hips. I woke up this morning, looked at self in mirror and said, “you’ve gained more weight.” (Duh. You haven’t found a comfortable position in several months). Letting go of our past bodies is hard when you don’t feel comfortable sitting in your current one, but I have to remind myself that my body is my friend. Every single day it gets me where I need/want to go. It lets me enjoy hugs from family and friends. It has survived the various levels of RA pain for years with few deformities or “wonkiness” as I like to say. I’ve successfully raised two amazing children and stayed in a happy marriage for 27 years. My body has taken me through all of that and is still with me as we work through peri menopause, teens growing up, and life changing. I know I’d never treat another friend like this. I know I’ll read this post numerous times because there is so much truth in it. My experiences have made me who I am and I do like the current me.
Cathy says
http://theseatedview.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-best-friend.html A similar post written by a good friend. These two together should hopefully knock some sense into me.
emilyrockstheroad says
All the feels. This is going to come out like a jumble, but I am so thankful that I stumbled upon your blog and podcast several months ago, and it’s posts like this one that make me feel all the “you’re not alone” warm fuzzies.
After having baby #2 last year, I struggled with a serious whammy of postpartum depression. I’ve always had body image issues, but how much my body changed after having two kids made my world crumble. A good therapist, lots and lots of soul searching, and especially your podcast with Stefanie have all helped me come back into the light. Just this morning as I was driving home after a beautiful solo hike near the lake, I felt my belly jiggle as my car went over a bump. But instead of my usual feeling embarrassed and self-conscious about my belly rolls (even though I’m totally alone with no one looking at me), I suddenly felt a sort of grateful love for my belly. Media and society can think what they want, but my belly has always been with me. We have been through a lot together, and all the energy I put into hiding it and thinking negatively on it is completely wasted. My belly just IS, and it’s a part of me. It’s not holding me back from anything; I’m doing that.
I’m so happy that now, after 32 years of life, I’m finally figuring out what self-love is thanks to people like you who encourage what I like to think of as “whole health”. Thank you for the work that you do, and for being part of my journey!
Noelle says
Emily! This was awesome. Thank you so much for sharing your story… love these revelations you are having! 🙂 And I’m honored to be on this journey with you.
V says
Interesting. Pre-kids my body played Rugby and Hockey. Post kids my body can Snatch, Clean, and Jerk, play Roller Derby, and ride the bowl at the skate park. Different shape, different size (more muscular and leaner post kids), still my body is awesome. But I do agree with Abby, my body was not my own through Pregnancy and Nursing. I have always loved my body, but I have definitly proclaimed how badly “I want(ed) my body back” during that time, out of pure selfishness and a desire for more “self”-control. It’s an odd feeling to have tendons get lax, center of balance change, milk spray when temperature changes or you hear a baby cry…. Not saying change is bad, but knowing that those changes are temporary, and that the body does go back to its near original state, makes the temporary changes harder to accept. Just a thought 🙂
Noelle says
GREAT thoughts V! I am in total support of understanding that during a change, our body is transitioning and responding to specific inputs, and it’s helpful to know that our body will adjust accordingly once the change or transition has been completed – so to speak. Essentially, you touched on the root of why perceiving that our body is not “our own” and wanting it to be ours again is very similar to feeling like our current body is unworthy and wanting to get it back to one that we perceive is worthy. It still is a desire for control, and to be in control of our body – which, we are not. We of course can influence certain factors and feel healthier, but – that will never mean we are in complete control of our body. And that realization can be completely freeing for some people. Either way – our body is still on our side, and ours – and fighting to keep us alive and well! 🙂
Sarah @runfargirl says
I’m new to your blog and after reading two posts I have to say , I love it! I’m 5mo pp with my third baby and my approach this time to my pp body has been a lot different than the first two. Instead of trying to get back to the level of fitness I was at before getting pregnant (competitive runner) I’m focusing on building a new foundation with the body I have now: the body that’s had three babies. I’m looking to surpass where I was before, make bigger goals possible and embrace a new path…not just try to “get back” to where I was. Focusing on this new journey, a different trajectory has me approaching my pp body in a much more realistic and gracious way and it’s good! Such a great post thank you!
Noelle says
You are so welcome, Sarah! Thanks for sharing – and for your support!
foodiecology says
THANK YOU!!!!
I’m almost 1 year postpartum (in 9 days!) and this reminder couldn’t have come at a better time.
My body isn’t what it was pre-pregnancy, but I’m not sure I want it to be. I had an enjoyable pregnancy, gave birth to a beautiful boy, and have nursed him (god bless my boobs, lol) for almost a year. That’s such an incredible thing. I don’t get to workout often (duh, time) so I still have done live handles and weak muscles. But everyday this body has and continues to take me places I’ve never been, to carry my beautiful baby, to enjoy many, many things.
It pains me to hear other women (myself occasionally) berate their bodies because they’ve changed. We just need to focus on what our bodies enable us to do! ?
foodiecology says
*some love handles
Noelle says
You are so welcome! Thanks for sharing your experience, and your story. ?
Mary says
REALLY enjoyed reading this. I too am struggling due to a complete hysterectomy and HRT (patch) and have not seen any success in almost two years. Not giving up, and keep hearing that I can be successful, but just haven’t found the right combination yet. Thank you for the inspirational words. I need all of those that I can get.
Noelle says
You are so welcome, Mary! Thanks for your support, and for sharing your experience. ?
Jessica Romeo @ eatwelloutsidethebox.com says
I just love this post so very much!! I can’t tell you how thankful I am for all that you do and say about having better body image! I have had 3 kids via c-section and have hated my body for far too long…I even lost a tremendous amount of weight and even still hated my body when I was at a “healthy” weight. It wasn’t until I discovered the paleo lifestyle…not just the eating but the entire lifestyle, have I realized how blessed I am to have this amazing body and all that it CAN do! It makes me so sad for those women who have not discovered how to love themselves yet. Keep fighting the good fight…what you are doing does make a huge difference!
Rebekka K. Steg says
I love this Noelle, and I so appreciate this reminder. Especially as I am currently trying to come to terms with the side effects of being on steroids for a year to try and manage my autoimmune diseases. It’s difficult to accept when your body changes a lot in a very short period of time – feels like looking at a stranger in the mirror. But there is also such an important lesson in this, to love yourself and your body, even when it’s not perfect.
Noelle says
Thanks Rebekka! So appreciate your thoughts. 🙂
SannaTeer says
As a 63 year old mother of 3, I’ve learned that when the hormones leave, EVERYTHING changes! Did I mention that everything changes? This post was really helpful to me, to get me to look at my body in a new light. My husband thinks I’m beautiful even though I no longer have a waistline and now look (to myself) rather dumpy. When I was young I’d look at women in their 50s-60s and think, “What a shame that they let themselves go; I’m not going to do that”. With menopause I learned that I didn’t “let” myself go…it just went. I still exercise 6 days a week and eat reasonably healthily, as I’ve done for decades, but hardly recognize my body since it is so different from my pre-menopause self. Anyway…I’m going to endeavor to appreciate all my body does for me, try to gracefully accept my new normal and stop yearning for my younger body. And my husband will be very relieved if I stop bashing myself. Thanks.
Noelle says
You are so welcome, Sanna! 🙂 Thanks for sharing your story.
Jessica says
I love this so very very much!! I wish I’d found you years ago!
Amy says
I totally get this post, but I will say that some moms may not mean what is inferred. When I said this after I had kids, what I meant was, “I want my body to myself”. It was more a comment on nursing, and wanting to feel like my body was my own. Just food for thought.
Noelle says
I agree! Which, is why I think it’s important to change our language, and how we think about our bodies when things are slightly “abnormal” or not like they used to. Thanks for your thoughts, Amy!
Jennifer Wakumelo says
LOVE LOVE LOVE this and everything you do!
Alison says
It is smashing to read so many women respond to this post recognising that thought-fallacy of self judgement:that keeps us from inhabiting our bodies fully ..and so many different kinds of women with different lives. And i can add to that diversity as a 44 year old childless scholar who had always been lean and fit developing Hashimotos and suddenly gaining 10kg recently, looking like i never have before… Both you and Stephanie Ruper inspired me to ditch that ‘i need to get my body back’ notion and instead refocus on ‘how is my mojo doing? ‘ i love it ????
Ana says
Love reading you.
I saw a post today of a mum who is 33 wks pregnant with her second, fb has given her a memory of 7 yrs ago when she was skinny and her feelings weren’t positive about her current shape.
She’ a lovely, beautiful, intelligent woman as we all are… we just need to work together to erase the media messages and start embracing our individual bodies. I’ll post this on my fb wall. X
Vanessa Candle says
Great article!
Nicole says
I still want to keep saying it. Maybe because in the age of 18 I’ve been diagnosed with an uncurable sickness and will be bedridden for the rest of my life.
“I wish I could get my body back…”
Pamela says
Thanks, Noelle: I literally “googled” “I want my body back” and your article was the first thing that came up. I have been dieting since third grade. Next week, I’ll turn 58. Worries about my weight and fitness have haunted me nearly all my life.
Your article helps, during a time that has tried all of us. I will be referring back to it when I go down that rabbit hole. I’ve got a warm place to live, nutritious food, a loving partner, and most of all, a strong, capable body and mind.
I guess, I always have…
Many thanks and blessings to you!
Noelle Tarr, NTP, CPT says
Thank you for sharing Pamela. I’m glad it helped.
bb says
I love your article. I realized I have been holding on to the body I had in High school, one before injury and physical health issues. I’m learning now how to love my body as it IS here and now, and learn ways of expressing joy and love through it in new ways. I found that I can still feel joy and love dancing while sitting down, I don’t have to do leaps and turns and jumps to love dancing! I also love the “your body is on your side” I now choose to stop fighting with my body and learn to love, accept and be a kind friend to it. Thank you again